Ok, so I couldn’t come up with a title for this post, so there you go.
This is a really hard topic for me to talk about, because no one really knows that I’m dealing with this problem. My husband does, and that’s only because he’s around me all the time…but here we go.
My name is Allie, and I hate pregnant women.
Now, before you get all judge-y, hear me out. I don’t hate them as a person. I have several family members who either just had a baby or are pregnant, and I love them dearly.
What I DO hate is their ability to “accidentally” get pregnant.
I hate that they “didn’t plan it at all!” I hate that they have baby bumps and baby showers and a beautiful baby on the way…
…and I hate most of all that I don’t.
(See, I told you it was a hard thing to talk about! But, if I don’t get this out, I’m going to lose my mind.)
When I see a pregnancy announcement on facebook, it makes me cringe. It literally feels like my heart has fell out of my chest and rolled across the floor somewhere. I see posts saying “oops we’re pregnant! we had no idea! We didn’t plan it!” and all I can think is “you laid there and did what causes pregnancy, and you had NO IDEA? REALLY!?”
So now I have one of two choices:
a) Do myself a favor and delete you now
b) Wait til my feed is nothing but complaining about how horrible your pregnancy is and delete you then.
I’m not trying to be rude here, I’m not trying to act like one of those really mean ladies on the TTC boards who get down-right angry when someone announces a pregnancy. I’m happy for you, if you actually want the baby. I don’t want to hear about how miserable you are, and how your mommy and daddy are really raising the kid and you just use them as accessories, or you have a 3 month old and you’re already pregnant again….want to know why?
Because it hurts. It hurts that some of the most undeserving people in this world get babies while others don’t. And honestly, I’m not just talking about me. I haven’t been trying to get pregnant for years like some couples and they…THEY deserve a baby more than any stupid teenager or adult who can’t grasp the concept of birth control.
Obviously, I am angry. I’m angry because my whole teenage life, it was preached to me how easy it is to get pregnant. NEWS FLASH FOLKS: NO, it really isn’t easy. It takes just about a miracle and a dash of divine intervention to get pregnant. (If you haven’t watched “The Great Sperm Race“ go watch it now, it really puts things into perspective!) It has to be the right day of the month, your body temp has to be right, you have to time it exactly to the minute of ovulation, his stuff has to powerful enough to trek the wasteland which is your uterus (again, go watch The Great Sperm Race) and then, you have to stand on your head just for good measure.
And after all of that, one or two sperm of the billions may possibly make it. POSSIBLY.
One in SIX attempts. And if you’re lucky, 17% are successful at creating life.
Again, a work from GOD…that’s what pregnancy is.
Now, I’ve heard all the “it’s just not your time!” and “when it’s mean to be it will be!” crap…but I’m impatient. I’m the oldest child and grandchild on one side. My husband is an only child. So far, two of my younger cousins have beat me to being a mama and one of my older cousin’s is having her second, today actually. Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled about all the babies being born….
…but when do I get my turn?
It really makes you start questioning whether or not something is wrong. Could there be a reason I’m not pregnant? Is there something going on that has my body refusing to do the ONE thing it was created to do? Could there be something wrong with my husband? I’ve started getting paranoid about it, and my husband tries his best to calm my psycho worried self. But seeing all these babies, and all these pregnancy announcements…it is really difficult.
I know I’m being selfish, and I know that I probably shouldn’t have even posted this, but come on people…am I wrong for feeling this way? Am I wrong for wanting the one thing that a woman is supposed to be able to do? To have my own baby? To start a family with my husband?
I hate myself for being angry…I hate myself for not getting pregnant as easily as other people…
So, for now it’s going to be another night of cuddling with my puppies and watching tv with my husband, staying away from facebook and the hoard of baby stuff…praying for a better day tomorrow…I’m just feeling really down today.