I’m a mean person…yes, I know, it’s hard to believe. But trust me on this one…I am really a mean person.
I always see this in hindsight after I’ve said something mean. I’ve always been told I was a mean person, and when I was a teenager, I accepted the role as a “mean girl.” No, I didn’t bully people, but I didn’t care about what people thought. I was very rude and sarcastic, and had absolutely no filter. When I got to college, I grew out (somewhat) of my mean girl phase, and settled into my current phase: Queen B.
I’m totally kidding about the Queen part, not so much the B part….I have my bad days where I’m snarky and mean and irritable and cranky and want to be left alone. I have days where I’m perfectly fine and a seemingly normal gung-ho person. But not today…
If any of you watch Party Down South, ya’ll know who Maddie is, and if you know who Maddie is, ya’ll know who Martha is. Martha is Maddie’s alter-drunk-ego who is very hostile and mean. Well, I have my own version of Martha, but it’s not brought on by drinking.
I can be perfectly fine, and something just sets me off and I go on these tirades and everything is horribly wrong and I’m mad at everyone and I just want to be left alone but I can’t be alone because I’m married and have two dogs inside who will follow me around the house wanting to play and I don’t want to play I want to go be by myself…
(This was typed in my panicky anxiety-riddled angry voice. lol I’m sure ya’ll can read through that…)
I’ve had these temper-tantrums since I was a teen. If I can just be by myself, I’ll calm down and go back to being perfectly fine. But if I’m around people, it’s not good.
(EDIT: I think I need my own personal padded cell type deal, especially after re-reading this…Ya’ll I swear I’m not crazy!)
The whole point of this post was to get to this. My husband is sick. He’s got a sinus infection, and I was ill this morning, and he asked me to fix him something to drink and before I even thought about it, out came “I guess you forgot you’re not completely helpless when you’re sick. I’ll remember that when I’m sick in two weeks” (I’ll have whatever he has now in a few days, which is why I said that)
But really? Why? Why do I say things like that? He wasn’t being mean, he asked me a simple question, and I was so mean. It hurt his feelings, and I instantly could see it. There is some kind of disconnect between my brain and my mouth that tells me when to NOT say what I’m thinking…when my husband and I argue, he tells me that I’m the problem, that if I would shut up, it wouldn’t escalate…
You see, my mom told me the same thing growing up…so…I’m starting to think he’s right.
No, I know he is right.
In 3 weeks, we will have been married 2 years, and in these two years (4 years together total) I’ve learned how to better manage an argument or disagreement, but I’m still working on my “word vomit” issues.
How many of you caught that mean girl’s reference?
No one? Oh ok…grool. (see what I did there? ^_^)
I bought a book today called “Keep It Shut” it’s for women like me who are loud and say exactly what they think, and how NOT to do that. How if your husband says or does something, or your kids say or do something, or anyone for that matter does something to irritate you, you can learn to stop and think before you speak. Now I know at twenty-two it’s a little late to be worrying about that, I should have figured this out when I was younger but again, I didn’t care then. But now, I have a husband who I have been berating and honestly hurting, and after I say something hurtful, I realize what I’ve done and then my “I’m sorry” just isn’t good enough. Not when he’s heard it for two years.
So, this part is specifically to my husband, who I know won’t read this, but probably should:
Tyler, I’m sorry for being horrible to you. I know we’re both stressed, and this morning I lashed out at you for no reason, and I shouldn’t have. I really have been trying to work on keeping my mouth shut, and not feeding the argument. I really hope you can forgive me for not being the wife I should be, and I’m sorry it took so long for me to finally do something about it.
The whole “never go to bed angry” spill, yeah, I believe in that, but what about waking up angry? Going to work angry? Doing separate activities when you’re angry? I know as spouses we’re going to irritate each other, but I don’t believe we should ever leave our spouse when we’re in a bad mood. Go to another room to calm down? Yes, do that. But with everything going on in this world, you never know if you’re going to make it back home to your spouse. So, apologize. Kiss and make up. Do whatever you have to do to make things ok, because you only get this one lifetime with this person. Why not make the most of it? And if you think about it, who wants to spend the majority of their time angry?
***After I read Keep It Shut, I will feature the book here on my blog, and be giving away one free copy to one of my followers! Keep a look out for a possible contest!***