So, lets talk about something that’s not an easy topic for me: PATIENCE.
That whole saying “Patience is a virture” rings in my head on a daily basis, but let’s face it, i am NOT a patient person. I don’t have a patient bone in my body. Literally. I have no patience whatsoever, and when something doesn’t happen on time or when I believe it should go down, I lose my temper. I get angry. I get frustrated and I’m just put in an overall bad mood.
But, lately there has been one area of my life where I realize now I have become incredibly impatient and frustrated: Starting a family.
I’m going to be really up front with all of you, I want babies. I honestly thought that when I got married that we would have a baby before our first anniversary, but that wasnt the case. As much as it was drilled into my head growing up that it was so easy to accidentally get pregnant, I really believed that it wouldnt take long for us to start a family, whether intentionally or accidentally. But, here were are, having just celebrated our second anniversary, and no babies. Not even the hope of one in our near future.
I think it’s just more pronounced because I’m in that age group where everyone my age is getting pregnant. There were 6-7 women this week alone who announced they were pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy they get to be mommies, but at the same time I’m so innately jealous of them, I can’t stand it.
I bring this up to say this, I want kids now, Tyler wants them eventually. He’s in no hurry because yes, we are still young (22 and 25) so we have time. But it feels like I’m racing a clock. I was angry at him for so long for not wanting to “give me what I wanted” or, for that matter, wanting it just as bad as I did. It ended up being a very sore spot in our marriage because I was so angry and frustrated with my apparent inability to even accidentally get pregnant.
I mean, it’s preached how easy it is to accidentally fall pregnant the whole time we’re in high school or unmarried. So, it was definitely a shocker when I didn’t get pregnant right off. It made me start thinking there was something wrong with me, even though my doctor assured me I was perfectly healthy. So, the past few months have been really difficult. Trying not to break down in a pity party every time I see an announcement from someone I deemed “undeserving” of their accidental/unplanned babies. The women who had been wanting/trying for forever to get their babies, my heart went out to them, thankful for them getting what they wanted. But that twinge of jealously definitely made an apparance.
I say all of this, to bring up the last two weeks. The past two Sundays our preacher has preached on “The Ability to Find God in a Dark World.” Last week, the message was titled “When following God doesn’t make sense”, and what I got from it was just because we don’t always understand things, God’s timing is always best. We may not understand why things do/don’t happen when we expect them to, but its because it’s not up to us. Then, the last point that was made was that “The issue is not with God, it’s ME.” We question God so much that we don’t stop and thing “Ok, maybe I’m not doing something right here.”If we are out of God’s will, do you think he is going to reward us? It’s like a child misbehaving…you don’t reward theyre bad behavior.
This hit me hard. Maybe I spend too much time wondering why and not enough time figuring out what I could do to better benefit from the relationship i have with Christ. I spent the week pondering these statements I had heard, and then this morning, I was hit square in the face with this.
With God, it’s not about the destination–It’s all about the JOURNEY!
I have been so focused on why I havent been given a baby, and why things arent gong the way that I want them, that I havent stopped to look around at how far God has brought me and my marriage. We have been truly blessed to make it trhough the things our young marriage has been subjected to, that just maybe God has said “hold up, do you really think you need to add another innocent life to this just yet?” If my marriage and personal life are not up to par with where I should be spiritually as a follower of Christ and a wife, why should I feel that can demand to be a mother? I have learned in the last two weeks that I need to step back, break, and thank the Lord above for our current blessings, and pray for His timing in all other aspects of our life.
This has been a very enlghtening day, and I hoestly feel like there has been a giant weight lifted from my shoulders. I hope everyone else is having a blessed day, and enjoying their Sunday!
The verses we were given in our study are below if you’d like to read them for yoursel 🙂