***This post will discuss infertility/TTC and may include triggers for some readers.***
The last few years, I’ve really learned some things about an area of my life that I was really only able to experience after marriage: fertility. I knew about procedures to get pregnant like I.V.F and I.U.I’s. I knew that some women have unexplained infertility and some men have low motility issues. I knew women had miscarriages and unexplained losses. I had a HEAD knowledge of these things, but since I’ve gotten married, I’ve gained a HEART knowledge of this issue.
My mom and a few select people know what happened to us about a year after we got married. We chose not to tell anyone, and it wasn’t til a year after it happened that I finally told my mom. In May of 2014, I had stopped taking my hormone birth control, and a few months later in August…My period was late. I took a test that afternoon after work and it came up positive. I ran and told my husband who was in shock as much as I was, and I quickly made a doctor’s appointment. He told me he could see me in a few days, and since the test was the first I’d taken to take another in a few days to make sure the lines were getting darker until he could see me. I was elated, but we agreed not to tell anyone for a few weeks. But we never got the chance to tell anyone…
Four days later, I woke up about 4am cramping really heavily and hurting. I woke Tyler up and when I stood up from the bed, I instantly knew I was miscarrying. I rushed to the bathroom and cried my eyes out as I lost my first child…
Some may say that since it was too early, it wasn’t a baby. I know in my mind that it was a clump of cells, I was MAYBE 3-4 weeks. But in my heart, it was the child I had prayed for. I had LONGED to be a mother for so long…I called my doctor, he told me not to worry about coming in, to rest and let nature take its course, and that he was sorry for my loss. He, in an effort to make me feel better I’m assuming, told me it was simply a chemical pregnancy, and that most first pregnancies in that way and go unnoticed. But, all that did was make me feel worse.
My husband and I didn’t talk about it after it was over: to anyone else, or to each other. We shoved it behind us, and I suffered in silence, grieving my child that never was….and I took it out on my husband. I put all of my anger towards him, and blaming myself as well. I was angry at myself for not being able to do something that women are MADE to do. I didn’t realize at the time that all I was doing was pushing away the one person who KNEW what was happening to me, who could comfort me and help me through the process. He didn’t know how to handle it either, and for probably 6 months I was in a depression I couldn’t pull myself out of.
Fast forward to August 2015: a year from the “incident”. We had not tried for another, and had no intentions of trying any time soon. Not many knew, but our marriage was already rocky that first year, and then we were thrown a miscarriage that neither of us were prepared for, and it tore us even further apart…and for the next few months, I didn’t think our marriage would work out. We were too angry at each other for different things, and we were both ready to call it quits. But, there’s always a reason for things happening the way they do.
It’s MAY 2016, and now I can say our marriage is definitely stronger than ever. We made it through 2 1/2 years of financial, emotional, and mental struggles that most don’t experience until several years into a marriage. We’ve finally learned how to work together and not just exist in the same house. We’re in a very good place, and after many months of discussions, we are now ready to start really trying to expand our family. Not many know we are now trying to get pregnant, so I still hear comments made about “when are you gonna have a baby?” or “why is it taking so long?” These comments come from people who don’t know I’ve lost one child and I am just now prepared for the possibility of it happening again. Comments made to me by people who have NO idea what it’s like to WANT something so badly, and month after month it doesn’t happen, they are like a slap in the face. My own sister made the comment “i’ll be pregnant 6 months after my wedding and you MIGHT be pregnant 6 years after yours” and laughed like it was supposed to be hilarious. It wasn’t funny, because she has no idea that for the past two years I’ve carried the secret that I WAS pregnant, and haven’t managed to even accidentally fall pregnant like before. She doesn’t know that watching family and friends go on to have two and three children with ease has on occasion brought me to tears. I wanted to scream at her “WE ARE TRYING! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE’RE GOING THROUGH!”
But…I didn’t. I let her think her comments about me not having a baby yet were funny. Because she has no clue. I’m sure she will be pregnant right after her wedding. I’m sure she’ll fall into motherhood as easily as I once did. But, I do hope for a different outcome for her first pregnancy than mine. I do hope her and her future husband are truly ready for all that marriage entails without the added hardship of an early on pregnancy….or loss for that matter.
I truly believe that my baby was taken out of a situation that wouldn’t harbor a happy child. Looking back at what took place right after my loss, I believe it would have happened whether I was pregnant or not. We simply were not ready to be parents, and I don’t know how we would have handled it at that point in our lives.
So, I guess in a way I’m thankful. I’m thankful that my baby was spared our troubled marriage. I’m thankful that,even though it took two years, we figured out how to work together and realize we WILL be good parents some day. I’m thankful that this taught me to really pay attention to my body and ask questions when I don’t understand. I’m thankful for being able to understand now what so many around me have suffered. I don’t mean it in a morbid way, but when you go through something like that, it means so much to have someone who understands the pain you feel.
Last week was National Infertility Awareness Week, and yesterday was Bereaved Mother’s Day. How many knew that? I’m willing to bet not a whole lot of people. Infertility has always been so taboo and hush-hushed that women almost are made to feel ashamed for grieving their lost children. Look around you. 1 in 4 women will miscarry/have miscarried. ONE in FOUR. Someone near you has probably lost a child, and you have no idea. I did not understand what women were going through until I experienced it first hand. Two years ago, and I still have this fear that I will lose my next pregnancy as well. I fear there is something wrong with me. It’s a horrible feeling to think you’re broken.
My husband and I finally are taking steps to have a baby, and I’m glad we waited this long. I’m thankful for our child who taught us more in Heaven than they could have here with us on Earth. I’m thankful for the many women who help build each other up and offer support to those going through the same thing. It’s scary, and I’m honestly terrified of all the “what-if’s” I have right now. But, with the support system we have…I know we will be ok.
I know this was kind of long-winded, but I needed to get this out. If you or anyone you know has suffered a loss, people know that there are several avenues for help and support. There are numerous facebook groups, websites and message boards!